You would think a prolific writer like Chuck Wendig would look like a professional similar to the picture here. Chuck's twitter profile picture looks like Heisenberg from Breaking Bad. I obviously have too much hair on the top of my head and not enough beard. My first step will be to shave my head. Then I will invest in some turtle wax to shine it up really good. After that I will take the hair that had been removed from my head, and glue it to my face to create a beard that would make Chuck proud!
The buzzing from the clippers is tickling my head. The hair falling down is soft like the feathers of a turkey. The clippers didn't quite get close enough, so I pull out the disposable razors! Man these things are cheap! I've already cut myself five times with these damn things and I'm not even a third of the way through. Why would anyone ever do this? My head is nice and smooth now.. and covered in red toilet paper spots.
Now I'm ready to get my shine on! Bring on the Turtle Wax! Oh GOD IT BURNS! Just a tip.. Do NOT apply Turtle Wax to open wounds. It's not a good idea! OK OK.. I can breathe now. The doctors say that my wounds should heal normally. It will just take a few weeks longer.
The final step in my transformation. The Beard. I can't wait to grow it out. I need it NOW! My tools are the hair I shaved off my head and superglue! So let's get started. This isn't working. I have one hand stuck to my face.. along with my phone, my shirt, a moth that flew in at the wrong time (it's still alive), and a tic tac. I'm starting to think this is a bad idea. Do you know how hard it is to type with a keyboard stuck to your fingers? I mean hitting the 'e', 'r', and 's' are pretty easy, but I have to use my tongue for keys like 'p'. The moth goes crazy every time I bring the keyboard close too. It's OK little friend. I'm not trying to squish you!
Looking at the final product with a mirror, and I must say it looks amazing! The red and brown spots all over my face and skull really complement my eyes. The patches of hair look like a finger painting by a 3 year old. The moth flapping it's wings periodically brings the whole picture to life! I don't look anything like Chuck Wendig though. Maybe I should just stick with being myself?
Chuck's blog should be read at your own peril. The rampaging Hermit Crabs alone will raid your liquor cabinet. But if you must.. here's a link: http://www.terribleminds.com/