Thursday, October 8, 2015

Pan

Rated PG / 1 hr 51 min / Adventure - Fantasy

What is it about?

Baby Peter is left on the steps of an orphanage where a Dick Cheney look-a-like in a nurse costume looms over him wanting to hide WMDs in his blankets. Fast forward to pre-teen Peter who asks for more porridge at lunchtime. He then realizes that he isn't Oliver Twist, so he breaks into the head nun's pirate treasure where he finds a letter from his mother. It says she will meet him in this world or another which is very creepy and morbid for a PG rated film. It turns out that Dick Cheney is selling the orphans into slavery to space pirates. The pirates are led by the legendary Blackbeard, played by Hugh Jackman. The pirates kidnap Peter along with many of the other orphans and take them to Neverland to mine pixie dust. There is a prophecy in Neverland that a child will fly then the natives will go crazy and take Blackbeard down somehow.

You will like it if...

You like children's films that don't make any sense. The script in itself makes no sense at all, even if you know the older tale of Peter Pan. First off, why would any mother abandon their child when there is a prophecy that the child is going to save everyone? Blackbeard knows the prophesy, yet he captures Peter about 20 times and only one time does he try to get rid of him. That one time is when he doesn't know that Peter is "the chosen one". Why? The whole time he talks about capturing the kid so they can kill him, but once they get him... nope. You could fit a Death Star in the middle of the plot holes within this movie and still have room for Alderaan. The ending itself makes you think about the explanations for why the pixies went into hiding and blows them up with a Hydrogen Bomb. Hugh Jackman gives one of the worst performances I've seen out of him in a while. He screams a lot, but it doesn't feel like his heart is in it at any time. It feels like he is trying to be The Joker in a pirate costume at the same time hoping that the makeup he is wearing will mask his complete apathy. It doesn't. Levi Miller gives the best performance as Peter Pan. He seems to be the only one that cares about what happens. Garrett Hedlund sounds fantastic as Hook. I want to invite some ladies over so we can all curl up in that voice. Otherwise he was OK, but his character might as well say "look at me I'm helping!" every time he pops up. Every other character is pretty much an afterthought. The one good thing I can say about this film is that the costumes and special effects help produce some interesting and visually stunning scenery. Children may enjoy this film for its bright colors and simplistic humor, but for anyone else, you have to completely turn your brain off to enjoy it.

Next Week

Goosebumps, Crimson Peak, or Bridge of Spies. Vote in the comments or Godzilla will pick the movie! As always the movie selection depends on what is showing here in theaters.

Upcoming to DVD on October 13

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