Sunday, January 29, 2017

The Big Four Oh

I was born on January 30, 1977 in Portsmouth Naval Hospital in Portsmouth, VA. The journey from then until now has been a long hard one. I am writing this on the edge of this barrier and I don't feel 40 years old, but when I think of it and see younger people I do feel 40 years old.

I feel like I found my calling later in life than I should. When I was young I always thought I had plenty of time to figure things out. I went with the flow and didn't bother worrying about the mark I would leave on the world. I always figured that I would be OK. I never spent the time to truly figure out what that would be. I had the potential to be anything I wanted, but didn't put in the work.

It wasn't that I was lazy. With every great idea came many others. Each one seeming like they were the most important thing in the world. I worked hard at every project I took on and I took on more than I could accomplish on my own. I worked on 4 or 5 major projects at a time by myself. At some point you realize that you need the help of others, but other people will flake out on you unless they are just as invested as you are or you pay them to be.

I would prioritize new and exciting projects and eventually abandon older projects I had spent so many hours on. Staying focused on one thing until it was completed was one of the biggest challenges I faced. I wanted to do EVERYTHING. The overriding passion I had for creating things is what drove me, but it took me a while to realize that none of it mattered unless I finished what I started.

That was when I decided I wanted to be a musician. This is something I worked on for a long time. I wrote lyrics in a notebook and created beats to go with them. I made enough songs to put together a mix tape or album. I learned that music, no matter how much I loved it, was not my passion. I was not a talented musician. I could do the music portion by the numbers using math to come up with a sequence that sounded good, but it wasn't organic. I didn't have the passion to learn to play an instrument. The part I loved was writing the lyrics. This is how I came back to writing. That was what I loved going back as far as I can remember.

When I was young I struggled with words. Socially awkward to the point of being afraid to speak to nearly anyone. I still have problems today. This is what fuels my passion for writing though. Math and science were always easy for me. Words are a challenge. They are the road less traveled for me.

I still get ideas, but I am focused on one thing and it is large enough to encompass everything else I do. I have no time for other grand ideas that I would like to pursue. Every book is a grand idea that demands my full focus. Every sentence demands another to follow it. Working with others who have been successful in other areas taught me that consistency and quality are big factors in building a support structure.

In trying to build things and asking for support I have been accused of being false, of lying, and of using people for my own personal gain. This really grates on me because it is hard enough for me to ask for help and then when I do people respond to me in this manner as if I have not been supportive of them for years prior to asking for the one thing. Today I didn't ask for anything and I got this response. I told this person that if they wanted to read my novel that it is available for free through my birthday. I didn't ask them to read it, I didn't ask for money, and I didn't ask for a review that I really need at this point. These are the people I cut out of my life. Life is too short for it to be a one way street where you give and the other person takes.

So I sit here contemplating their words. Am I a fake? A fraud? Am I wrong for trying to be open and honest? Would people trust me more if I lied all the time? or cursed more? Should I never strive to take anything for myself? Am I exploiting people? No, I emphatically reject this entire line of thinking. The actual response going through my head right now starts with "F" has 3 more letters and ends with "THAT", all caps. I can only be myself and I am constantly trying to improve on that. These people are actively impeding that progress.

Going after what you want in life is what everyone should be working toward. If you don't try then you will never get there. A true friend will want to help you without being asked, and if they can help they will in most cases. If you are a true friend then you will reciprocate in the same manner. True friends exploit each other as a matter of course. It's a symbiosis. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. We both benefit. So here I am writing on the day before my 40th birthday about this and mourning the loss of a few "friends". Tomorrow will be filled with the happy, sunshine, Godzilla stomping, confetti cannon, rainbow, unicorn, and cotton candy ride of amaze. Wanna come?

On to better news. My novel is available for free in ebook format at Amazon through my birthday 1/30.


I'm also giving away more books that I didn't write! Details are on my author facebook and twitter accounts.

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Writing Progress Updates

Virtual Wars: Running (Writing First Draft)
Current word count:40,058
The Ghost Season 1
Editing: Page 18 of 47

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