Toilet Explosion

Inspiration hit me while fixing my toilet. I recently had to replace the guts inside, and the blue stuff I had put in the tank got all over the place. My hands were covered in it. It looked like I had intimate knowledge of a smurf with my hands. I hope it was Smurfette! Although maybe it was Papa Smurf in a dress.

It got me to thinking, why is it that people feel the need to talk trash about things that they know nothing about? I see it all the time. Especially now that football season is here. Is it trendy to look like the biggest inbred idiot in the barn? Is that why shows like Duck Dyasty are popular? Well it's my turn sir. I am forbidding myself from talking trash about things I know like NFL Football, Texas Hold 'Em, and Origami Flowers. Everything I know absolutely nothing about is fair game. Game On!

Weddings

So you have a pinterest mapping out all of the things you want? If you don't have whipped icing on your wedding cake then you don't know what you are doing. That wedding dress you have picked out is so tacky. You need to show off your midrif. So what if you're pregnant! And you're going to have HER as your maid of honor. She's so mean! I would be a much better choice. What? I look good in a dress. I've never worn one, but you can style my back hair right?

Care Bears

Care Bears is the most gangster of all children's cartoons. Move over Smurfs, My Little Pony, and Hello Kitty. The Care Bears would eat the smurfs then have My Little Pony for dessert. Hello Kitty would come up trying to act hard, and then the Care Bears would totally run a driveby on the little girl in a cat costume. The Care Bears don't play yo! They are like a biker gang from Sons of Anarchy. They have Uzis and Harleys. Don't mess with them for reals.

Hockey

The Avalanche are the best hockey team to ever exist. They are going to dominate everyone in the upcoming NHL season. As long as they don't have to play the Care Bears they should win it all this year. Their uniforms already have some red in it to hide the blood from lost teeth. They have a goalie. I don't think the other teams are allowed to have a goalie. They have a couple of guys that can kick the crap out of people on the other teams. Those guys could be semi-professional boxers, but why do that when you can fight on ICE! erm.. I mean Play Hockey!

The Equalizer

Rated R / 2 hr 11 min / Action - Crime - Thriller

What is it about?

Denzel Washington plays your regular old guy that works at Home Depot. Wait, they didn't get that sponsorship, so it's the generic version (Home Depout?). Anyway, he has been meeting up with a Russian hooker in a restaurant (Ooo La La!). She gets the snot beat out of her by her Russian pimp daddies because she smacks a client (but he said he liked it rough!). Denzel tries to buy them off, but they aren't interested. Denzel then starts wrecking shop. Later he finds out that they were part of the Russian Mafia, and they are coming after him and anyone else he might care about.

You will like it if..

You like gritty crime movies starring Denzel Washington. Denzel proves once again that he deserves another Oscar. Let me see if I can print one for him on my 3D Printer. Yea.. the one that is collecting dust over there. The script makes the same mistake that many do, and assumes that the bad guys want to take the good guy 'alive'. Why? Why wouldn't they just shoot him in the head as soon as they could? It doesn't matter anyway. I'm pretty sure Denzel got shot about 20 times in this movie, and it didn't slow him down. They try to make the Russians look tough with all their skull tatoos, buzz cuts, and muscles. It doesn't matter. Denzel plays The Terminator in this movie. I kept waiting for him to use the 'I'll be back' line. An entertaining movie in spite of the average script.

Becoming Chuck Wendig

This is my tribute to Chuck Wendig. I have been enjoying his blog for all of three days or so, and it is truly awe inspiring. I am dedicating my life to become more like Chuck Wendig. So what does that mean? Preying to Cthulu? Throwing poop at the monkeys at the zoo? Robbing a bank with a PEZ gun? Nothing so drastic I hope.

Physical Transformation

You would think a prolific writer like Chuck Wendig would look like a professional similar to the picture here. Chuck's twitter profile picture looks like Heisenberg from Breaking Bad. I obviously have too much hair on the top of my head and not enough beard. My first step will be to shave my head. Then I will invest in some turtle wax to shine it up really good. After that I will take the hair that had been removed from my head, and glue it to my face to create a beard that would make Chuck proud!

The buzzing from the clippers is tickling my head. The hair falling down is soft like the feathers of a turkey. The clippers didn't quite get close enough, so I pull out the disposable razors! Man these things are cheap! I've already cut myself five times with these damn things and I'm not even a third of the way through. Why would anyone ever do this? My head is nice and smooth now.. and covered in red toilet paper spots.

Now I'm ready to get my shine on! Bring on the Turtle Wax! Oh GOD IT BURNS! Just a tip.. Do NOT apply Turtle Wax to open wounds. It's not a good idea! OK OK.. I can breathe now. The doctors say that my wounds should heal normally. It will just take a few weeks longer.

The final step in my transformation. The Beard. I can't wait to grow it out. I need it NOW! My tools are the hair I shaved off my head and superglue! So let's get started. This isn't working. I have one hand stuck to my face.. along with my phone, my shirt, a moth that flew in at the wrong time (it's still alive), and a tic tac. I'm starting to think this is a bad idea. Do you know how hard it is to type with a keyboard stuck to your fingers? I mean hitting the 'e', 'r', and 's' are pretty easy, but I have to use my tongue for keys like 'p'. The moth goes crazy every time I bring the keyboard close too. It's OK little friend. I'm not trying to squish you!

Looking at the final product with a mirror, and I must say it looks amazing! The red and brown spots all over my face and skull really complement my eyes. The patches of hair look like a finger painting by a 3 year old. The moth flapping it's wings periodically brings the whole picture to life! I don't look anything like Chuck Wendig though. Maybe I should just stick with being myself?

Chuck's blog should be read at your own peril. The rampaging Hermit Crabs alone will raid your liquor cabinet. But if you must.. here's a link: http://www.terribleminds.com/

Becoming the Walrus

A quick update tonight on what has been going on in my life. I am a bit sore from playing softball. We won one of the games and lost the other. I mostly played in the game we lost unfortunately. I did OK that game, but we didn't hit as well or score as many runs. I went 2 for 2 with 2 RBIs. We won the first game 22-12 and lost the second game 5-8.

Writing

I recently finished an editing run on another chapter for my novel. I also just posted the next chapter for Grim. You can read it from the beginning here: http://www.wattpad.com/story/15571872-grim
The latest chapter is here: http://www.wattpad.com/72243085-grim-chapter-17-the-vision

Outlaws

I caught up on The Black List on Netflix. I really enjoyed this show. I watched the first few episodes when it was on live TV, but quickly fell behind. I prefer to watch it all on Netflix anyway. Now I'm watching Sons of Anarchy. Let me know what you think of these shows. I'm liking both of them so far.

The Walrus

I saw two other movies over the weekend. A Walk Among The Tombstones was pretty good for a stright up crime/thriller. It didn't have as many twists and turns as I was expecting, but it was a decent movie to watch. The other movie I watched was called Tusk. That was one weird movie. I would not recommend it unless you are into B-movie horror that is unique. The reason I went to see it is that it was directed by Kevin Smith who has done some excellent or at least interesting movies. This time around I must say that I am disappointed in the result, but B horror movie afficionados might like it. It's about a man trying to transform someone else into a walrus..  not kidding.

NFL 2014 - Week 3

Just a few quick notes about fantasy football before I get into my observations for the week. Brian Quick, Kirk Cousins, and Justin Forsett are all guys that should be owned in your fantasy leagues. Bernard Pierce is hurt, and if Forsett performs well as the starter he could steal the job. Forsett has performed better in limited action. Kirk Cousins is going to be the starter going forward for the Redskins. He's better than Andy Dalton as a quarterback, and I can tell that Gruden wants a pocket passer to run his offense. Cousins is just a much better fit for what he wants to do. Brian Quick is the number 1 receiver for the Rams, and has had good production even though they are using their third string QB.

Redskins vs. Eagles

Right from the start you can tell that these teams don't like each other. It's getting pretty chippy to start off. Exactly what you would expect for a big game like this. The Eagles fans are booing Desean Jackson every time he's thrown to. Why? You guys dropped him. Stop hating because he went to a team that actually wanted him. It just makes me wonder if Philly fans want to be known as jerks. All week they have been talking trash to me about this game. The irony of it is that they don't seem to know much about the game. I try to talk football to them, and they can only reply with 'We're going to kick your butt, Redskins suck!' I've told them that I just hope it's a good game and they reply with 'It will be. Eagles win by 30 points.' I ask them to name 3 players on the Eagles and most of them can't. I don't really talk trash, I talk football. If you talk trash to me then be prepared to be told what I think about the poop that is coming from your mouth. I'm not going to be nice about it anymore.

Injuries are going to have a big impact on this game. Leshean Mccoy just went in to get checked out for a possible concussion. Desean Jackson has been grabbing at his shoulder from time to time. Alfred Morris just hurt his knee. Everyone is back in the game. Two key players on the Eagles offensive line are hurt now. They've done a good job so far, but Kerrigan and Hatcher have been in Foles' face a few plays. Foles is grabbing his shoulder after Chris Baker throws him to the ground. On the same play Brian Orakpo goes out. The very next play DeAngelo Hall goes down with a badly twisted ankle. Both big losses for the Redskins. Orakpo comes back in to put another big hit on Foles. He definitely could have been called for intentional grounding. It turns out that the hamstring injury for Forbath ends up being the difference with his missed short field goal try keeps the game from going to overtime.

Cousins has been very very sharp. He is moving the offense better than RGIII did. Wow just wow. He's hitting everything with perfect accuracy. So far in the first half he's had 1 toss that floated a bit on him. For the most part he has put the ball on the receiver's hands, and he's hit 4 or 5 throws that you would expect from an Aaron Rogers or Drew Brees. Foles has looked good too even though the Redskins have dominated time of possession. I'm impressed with Foles mobility, he has avoided several sacks. Foles looks sharper than he has all season even though he has missed some wide open receivers. Cousins just hit Jackson for a huge bomb to tie the ballgame up. The Philly fans boo him again. Foles just hit Maclin to take the lead half way through the 4th quarter. Foles is one tough guy. He's been roughed up this game.

Mistakes and turnovers are having a big impact for the game. The Redskins special teams still look terrible, and they give up a 102 yard kickoff return. A fumble for the Eagles leads to points for the Redskins. The Redskins defense is leaving a lot of receivers running free, but they have bottled up the run so far. The refs just made a big pass interference call in favor of the Eagles, but it's the same call they could have made three other times and haven't. The refs for the most part have been doing a great job this game, but they need to be consistent. The Redskins are making a lot of mistakes on defense. Grant had a critical 3rd down pass slip through his fingers. Forbath continues the special teams woes by missing a field goal that could have taken the lead. Cousins just made his first mistake of the game at the wrong time as Niles Paul doesn't run very hard on his route. The resulting field goal gives the Eagles at 10 point lead.

The fight that took place on an incomplete pass causes the refs to eject Chris Baker and Jason Peters. They originally said that number 71 of the Redskins would be ejected (Trent Williams), but they eventually corrected that. Jason Peters was the one who was throwing the first punches on the Redskins sideline. The officiating crew reviewed the play and got the call right. This has been the best officiated game I have seen all year. They have still made some errors, but they haven't been as awful as in previous weeks.

Surprises

Dalton catches a pass for a touchdown and breaks a tackle to do it. Manziel catches a pass from Hoyer. Is this a new trend? Nahhh..

The Giants have come alive against Houston. Part of it may be Arian Foster being out, but the strength of Houstn's team is their defense. Victor Cruz has been a non-factor for most of this season, but he's prodced some highlights so far this week. Houston's offense isn't built to come back like this without Arian.

The Rams have been playing surprisingly well for a team that is using their preseason 3rd string QB. They are currently beating the Cowboys in a close game. The Cowboys have come back to take the lead. The QB for St. Louis tossed a pick 6. The Rams scored again to get back to only 3 points down, but that ends up being the final score.

The Vikings even without Adrian Peterson are playing a close game with New Orleans. What has happened to the high powered New Orleans offense? They have been sputtering all year long. Is everyone playing nickel defense against them all season thus far? New Orleans holds on to win as Minnesota can't seem to score more than 10 points.

Final Thoughts

The Redskins look like a tough team to beat. They almost took one from the Eagles on their home field. Going forward they should win a lot more games as long as they can eliminate the mistakes. On the same note if Foles can stay healthy and play as well as he did this week it will be very difficult to outscore them. No team has figured out how to defend Chip Kelly's scheme yet. It seems like the only way to stop them is to put pressure on Foles and hope he misses the open receiver, and you have to shut down Mccoy and Sproles. The Eagles are still going to score points. I can't wait to see them play a team like Seattle or Carolina who have great defenses. The Redskins defense may have come into the week as the number 1 ranked defense, but we all knew that wasn't going to last.