tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1815350310394495347.post4240430037331216159..comments2016-03-07T13:27:10.341-05:00Comments on Brian Basham: Calling All Critiques: Entry #10 - Guardian of the Cursed CrownAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05891429231002436151noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1815350310394495347.post-40570353423339134852014-05-30T15:14:35.213-04:002014-05-30T15:14:35.213-04:00I love the first line. This starts off strong, but...I love the first line. This starts off strong, but I feel like the second line could use some work. “It easily identified” is a passive construction. The second half of the sentence starts, “… stepping weak like …” “Weak” should be “weakly” because this is an adverb, but I think you could do better. What does “stepping weakly” look like? Is the person limping? Tiptoeing? Dragging along?<br /><br />And then in the third sentence, “there was no threat” is also passive. Shine up that first paragraph—I really think the ideas conveyed are a great opener and wouldn’t change them, just the language.<br /><br />Some of the passive language continues throughout, but I won’t point it all out. I would just encourage turning some of those less exciting words into action verbs and taking out extraneous words.<br /><br />The strong interest continues to the end. I'm interested in the idea of the king hiding from the world and then being confronted by a beggar who is going to raise his love from the dead. Yes, more, please!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05874528798069613694noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1815350310394495347.post-71406746499702922172014-05-27T21:48:27.036-04:002014-05-27T21:48:27.036-04:00I'm loving the concept of this one. You also m...I'm loving the concept of this one. You also mix your description, dialogue, and your character's thoughts very well. The hook is compelling, and draws the reader in. This piece seems to slide by quickly, leaving the reader wanting more. This is my favorite piece out of the ones I have read thus far out of all the submissions, but I haven't read them all just yet. <br /><br />My only real suggestion would be to tighten up a few of the sentences. For example "Even though Larsen didn't want anyone to see him in this state" could be cut out. In place of that phrase you can reword the sentence to say "Though the cowl of his brown patch cloak hid his grief, he didn't care to..." There are a few places like this where you can tighten up the language without losing any of the charm or meaning. Especially in the spots where you use two commas. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05891429231002436151noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1815350310394495347.post-28722082551372992132014-05-27T17:23:16.869-04:002014-05-27T17:23:16.869-04:00This one definitely got my attention. I love the f...This one definitely got my attention. I love the fantasy genre, both in reading and in writing. The mysterious beggar's cure for the illness, will it cure death as well? I really liked that part and would love to delve further into this story. <br /><br />The only real issue I had with this was the confusion of past and present tense usage within the text. Most of it is written in past tense, but occasionally, there is a slip into the present. For example, "Even though Larsen didn't want anyone else to see him in this state...". It should have read, "...to see him in that state". <br /><br />Also, the line, "If you have a point, you better make it while I'm still merciful" probably should have read, "If you have a point, you better make it while I'm still feeling merciful." <br /><br />Overall, amazing job. I can't wait to read more.Michelle Cloverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04179439175205291789noreply@blogger.com