Saturday, February 11, 2017

All The Feels

Depression is never fun and whenever it hits even the most mundane of tasks can be difficult. I always try to put a happy face on things and live in a bubble where all the shiny rainbow unicorns dance all day. In reality I feel alone all the time. Even when surrounded by people I feel intensely on my own. I want to slink away to some space where I can fall to pieces out of the view of others.

I try to break out of this by making friends and hanging out with people who share similar interests, but everything remains at arm's length. I do OK in this zone. The zone of friendship/acquaintance where I don't have to share how I feel. When I share more and get truly emotional, people don't know how to handle that. It's like I'm not allowed. The feelings come anyway and they are intense.

This is why I stay busy. I don't drink and I don't have anyone to talk it out with. What happens when it hits so hard that I can't move? Sometimes it feels like if I move then the world will end. Sometimes I take on too much to drown out all of the thoughts and feelings of being alone. That can be too much and swallows me. The darkness of it all weighing on my back. The push and pull of deadlines, work, and lack of sleep.

I put more tasks in my todo box to stay busy which prevents me from reaching out to people which isolates me more which makes me more depressed which causes me to take on more tasks. It is an evil circle of shit that I don't know how to break out of. So I sit here writing this, thinking about how to break down this wall. The anxiety I feel when trying to make a phone call is enough to make me scream.

I don't have any answers. I have written before that happiness is a choice, and it is... up to a point. I try to celebrate my accomplishments as much as I can, but when depression hits those all feel fake. Like I made them up to get people to like me. So I move on. I do the one thing I can do. It's like the scene in Kill Bill when Uma Thurman comes out of the coma and can't move. "Wiggle your big toe." I start there and build myself up until I can do all the things I want to. Maybe that is the answer. Imagine "wiggle your big toe" becoming the mantra for depressed people everywhere. I should be a motivational speaker *falls over*


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Writing Progress Updates


Virtual Wars: Running (Writing First Draft)
Current word count:40,228
The Ghost Season 1
Editing: Page 23 of 47